A patient of ours named Alisha Lasko shared her fertility story on Facebook a few weeks ago. She has allowed us to share it as well on our blog. Please leave your comments below.
I wrote this a long time ago and have edited it over the last two years a few times. I never found the appropriate time to share it (wasn’t sure if I ever would) but today is October 15. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, so what better time. Here goes nothing.
It’s no secret that we struggled for years to have our daughters. We shared our IVF story publicly. We were so blessed to finally after so much heartache, emotional, and physical pain to have our first miracle, and after several more rounds of IVF our second miracle. What most people will never understand is the raw gut wrenching pain that comes with infertility.
The many different procedures, surgeries, countless treatments, hormone injections, blood work, and ultrasounds are just a small part of the struggle. The biggest monster in the room no one wants to talk about is the emotional impact. Well I am 1 in 8 and I’m tired of suffering in silence.
Infertility, the real battle is feeling like you’re less of a person. Your body has betrayed you, the constant let down not only for you but for your spouse and it’s all your fault. Month after month you struggle to achieve something that is supposed to happen naturally and month after month you fail. The countless negative pregnancy tests. The positive ovulation tests that lead nowhere. The tracking apps and calendars. The pregnancies that finally happen but lead to miscarriage and only more heartbreak.
Those were your babies, the ones you prayed so hard for and you never got to meet, hug, or kiss them. All you will ever know of them was two pink lines and that joy was quickly stolen from you and replaced with only more heartbreak. Which then poses the question what do you do with the video of when you told your parents and the pure excitement and joy they had for you? What do you do with the photographs from your photo shoot to announce your pregnancy that you’ll never get to share?
You can only fail at something for so long before you feel like a failure. It’s bad enough that the treatments lead to weight gain, migraines, nausea, vomiting, bloating, emotional instability, and a total change in your quality of life but on top of all of that you now add failure.
Infertility takes your self-confidence, chews it up, spits it out and then laughs in your face. It is not something that is easy to describe or explain to those who have never dealt with it. It takes the core of who you are as a person and changes you.
It changes your relationships. You become a version of yourself you didn’t know was possible. Don’t get me wrong, you’re happy for the countless people around you having kids, but with each pregnancy announcement, baby shower, gender reveal party, and birth announcement you die a little more inside.
Infertility makes you bitter because you can’t help but wonder why them and not us. Why is it always so hard for us? Slowly you push people away because it’s just easier to not have to explain why you don’t want to attend another baby shower or gender reveal party where you know you’re just going to weep in your car afterwards. You pick yourself up and you dust yourself off over and over each time, losing a part of who you are.
Over the last five years pregnancy loss and infertility has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. It has shown me that my marriage is a solid one that I am grateful for. It makes me appreciate my 3 year old and my newborn more than ever.
Our outcome was eventually a positive one. We were blessed with the family that many may never get to have. I pray that all of those still in the fight will be blessed. I pray God gives you strength for the losses you’ve suffered and perseverance to keep trying.
For those still fighting, you are not alone. I SEE YOU, I HAVE BEEN YOU, I SUPPORT YOU.